Lessons from Lauraland

It's so funny to me that the last time I posted here it was on the same topic that brought me to write something four and a half years later. I'm still fat. I'm still in pain. But for the last two and a half years, I've also been a mother dealing with those first two.  The past two years have been some sort of mashup between a rollercoaster and a train wreck with parenting and the pandemic. There have been many times I thought about journaling here or in a physical journal, but to be honest, I didn't really want a record of how dark a place my mind had been. It's a struggle to know what's the right thing to do in the midst of a new and ever changing pandemic and I think parenting is always a struggle. At least, I think it always would have been for me. And that's not something I really have wanted to record for posterity, though I admit it would probably help the child's future therapist out. I started some new treatments for pain this week. After st...

I am fat. I've always been fat. Well, not counting my senior year of high school when I starved myself to fit into the prom dress I had already grown out of two months later. My weight has varied as well as my clothing size, but in many ways, when my chronic illness started, I was pretty healthy. Despite medications that encouraged weight gain, I was maintaining and even losing a little. I was working out and feeling good about myself. Then pain set in. At first, when I was still trying to work, all I did in my freetime was lie flat, try not to cry, and go to one doctor's appointment after another. Even with all the physical therapy I have completed in the last twenty-one months, I am weaker and much less healthy. And most importantly, I am not happy about it. We have been trying to eat more greens and less meat. I'm trying to cut most sugar from my diet and working on getting off the Pepsi train. Other than yesterday, I have completed a yoga youtube video everyday this wee...

I received a letter from my lawyer today. Our appeal for Reconsideration (where another employee at OOD would look over the information the first had and make their own decision) was denied. The lawyer sent us another packet of information to complete and I'm struggling to do so. My memory has never been great. Meeting up with old friends is difficult sometimes because they remember a lot of things that I have no recollection of at all. My thinking is that my brain has always tried to compartmentalize things because of trauma in my childhood. That's always been the case, but usually as bad as my long term memory was, I had better recall of more recent events and information. Now I'm struggling to remember conversations and meetings I've had in the last month. That is probably partially because of a lack of structure in my everyday, but the memory issue is also the cause of the lack of structure. I can't seem to focus and I forget what I am doing. I even have days wh...

When Lazarus heard his name he took a sudden breath. With visceral trembling blood resurged. But then, as when awakening some days, he lay a moment, mired, reluctant to rise from the familiar swaddling of his death Rising, even more than dying, there could be no return: for if he chose to stand, all he knew would then be lost And still now every morning, each momentary wish for healing is a risk, a wakening call to change, to choose, to leave so much behind, and be again made new. __________________ Steve Garnaas-Holmes Unfolding Light Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be well. That first day I woke up in so much pain I wished to die was over six years ago now. I first faced up to my mental health challenges a decade in the past when I was in such a hard place that I couldn't deny it anymore. This particular debilitating challenge has been with me for a year and a half now. I worry that I won't know what to do with being we...

Today was a bit of a setback. My legs were knocked out from under me by one of the dogs' leads. Unfortunately, I hit the frozen ground, landing directly on the hip I had surgery on this past May. I just laid there for a while before trying to get up. That didn't work so well so I rolled over and got on all fours. I tried putting equal weight on my legs, but my right hip hurt so much I just couldn't. I crawled, awkwardly, into the garage, with the dogs following me and Davey crying at me. Luckily I hadn't put away my crutches after getting them back from a friend, so I was able to use a crutch and the chest freezer to get up. I came inside and called my in-laws, who came right over as they always do, and they got the dogs inside. I basically went to bed with frozen water bottles and iced off and on all day. I have moved to alternating heat and ice with some gentle stretching in between. 18 hours or so out, I am doing a lot better. I have most of my range of motion and I ...

Depression is a funny thing. Sometimes, even when you are doing everything right, it still comes along and grinds you down to dust. I have been sitting outside in the sun, bundled up against the cold. I've been sitting under the skylights or my daylight lamp when the cold makes me bones ache too much. I've been doing deep breathing and meditation. I've been open with friends and family about how I'm feeling. I've been taking my medication. And yet, I'm really feeling depression's grip today. It would be one thing if it were an icy grip, but depression's biggest lie to me right now is that it's as warm and comfortable as my great-grandmother's heavy quilt. It would be so easy to wrap it around myself as I lay on the couch, podcasts playing because I'm having trouble focusing on written word, heating pad on because physical therapy is making me ache even more than the cold. I received a letter from Social Security saying that my disability clai...

I took my car to a locally owned shop yesterday to get the exhaust system checked out. I don't drive very often anymore because most days, I do not trust my concentration levels. If I can't read through a paragraph and remember what it was about before I start the next, I have no business on the street. But lately I have been avoiding the Blueberry because it was rattling and incredibly loud. I knew something was going on with the muffler and from when I had to have it checked out once before, I knew the muffler was going to be expensive to replace. Luckily, the issue was the same as last time. It seems there is a weakness in the exhaust system that causes a certain point in the pipe, ahead of the muffler, to rust out. A $45 patch and repair job later, I was on my way. I have been worrying about that repair for weeks, terrified of how much it would cost and how we would ever pay for it. One of the reasons I have really struggled with asking for help was that Adam's salary...

When asked what I want to be when I grow up, which I admit is a rare question at 34 years of age, I usually say I want to be Angela Lansbury. She has been my man crush for most of my life. I even had a picture of her as a showgirl in my high school locker, long before I knew what a man crush was. :) But to be perfectly honest, I really want to be like my Aunt Catherine. All of my great aunts, and the one great-great aunt I knew, on my father's side were as sharp witted and blunt as they were kind. They were all take charge women and you did not want to be on their bad side because they held a grudge like no other. At the same time, they were the kindest women I knew, willing to help you in anyway they could. Sincere. And boy, did they know how to laugh. The last thing my Aunt Catherine said to me was, "We all have our troubles." My eyes well up just remembering that. She was barely lucid, but even then she was trying to give me advice. Adam and I were with her when...

I had a pain management appointment today with my doctor. It was only our second office visit and our last. In April, he's taking a leadership position at another hospital. Three or four months ago at my first office visit, he told us that the goal would be to take the edge off my chronic pain and then work on getting me more mobile. I've had two thoracic epidurals since, but with no relief beyond a few hours. Today, this doctor, with almost unbelievable - nearly cartoonish though I believe it was genuine - positivity and hope, said that he wants me to try physical therapy (after several months of this before I was sent to him from another pain management clinic) and visit with a nutritionist before we try anything else. I think that he means well. I think he may also want to leave further treatment plans up to the doctor he referred me to, whom I will meet in 2 months. I agree with him that I need to lose weight and get back to exercising. I also am in incredible pain. E...

I listen to a lot of podcasts. To be honest, it's probably too many podcasts, but since I've been in constant pain, reading is difficult and my comprehension is worse. Even reading long form articles is difficult. For whatever reason, I do better hearing the words. I think the inflection given by the speaker helps me with the context and subtext I miss when trying to read. Bitch Magazine's podcast Popaganda is one of my favorites. The editor has a unique point of view that I really appreciate. They just replayed one of the most affecting episodes I have heard called, " Growing Up Immigrant ." One of the editors spoke about being the child of refugees. Her parents came from China, but were originally refugees from Vietnam. It was interesting to think about what is lost in a parent-child relationship when they do not share a dominant language. She talked about a saying she learned from her parents; "eat bitter." It's about the fact that all of us must ...

I promised myself that this week I would spend time each day cleaning something, writing something, and exercising. Even if I have to do it from bed, which I currently am. I'm so tired of being in pain. So tired of missing out on things. So tired of worrying about making ends meet when I can do nothing. I'm just tired. But I have to keep living somehow so this is a start.

One thing about depression and anxiety that so many people just do not get is this: Sometimes there is something that makes me anxious or depressed, but more often than not, there isn't. Life doesn't have to be striking me down with all it's might for me to want to hide under the covers and never come out. I don't have to be wondering if God is smiting me for me to remember everything I've ever done or said that I regret, and believe me that list is long and the guilt hits as hard as it did in the moment. The world doesn't have to seem on the verge of falling apart or falling into World War III for me to feel it falling into me, crushing me until I can barely breathe. I don't have to watch a sad movie in order to cry my eyes out in the shower. I handed in my keys and badge last week. It has been nearly ten months since I first developed upper right quadrant pain and swelling and I haven't worked more than a few hours in all of 2016. All in all, HR was ...

My physical therapist told me yesterday that I have a high pain tolerance. Monday marked 4 weeks since my hip surgery and I'm off pain medications almost entirely. It's only when I'm up enough to make my side really hurt and swell that I take one. But I have been on opioids for months, maybe a year at this point. Maybe longer. That makes me an addict in the eyes of many, probably including the surgeon general. Really I'm a person who had a doctor who gave the wrong diagnosis and then gave up. I'm a person who had/has complex issues happening all at once which took a while to sort out. I'm a person that as in a lot of pain. I'm a person. Period. I get so frustrated listening to current obsession with opioid addicts. There are people addicted to cigarettes and there are people who have one every few months. There are people addicted to alcohol and people who drink on occasion without issue. There are gambling addicts and those that go to a casino a coup...

 I was just out with the dog, bundled up against the ridiculous 35* F weather. (It was in the 80s last week. Thank you, Mr. Jet Stream.) I was thinking that this is romance for us. Seeing my husband with his lap full of bills, trying to figure out which doctors are going to get paid what this month, and taking the dog out, despite the cold and my hip/bladder/side pain, because it was the only thing I could do to help at the moment. Just like it was romance that my husband came out -in his tshirt and jeans, crazy man- to take the leash from me and make sure I was okay as soon as he realized what I had done. Our weekend has been full of laundry, dishes, dinner with old friends, pulling a tick off the dog, watching a favorite movie (Death to Smoochy) because I was in too much pain to go to the drive in, clearance shopping, and plenty of time resting on my extra long heating pad. Don’t get me wrong, it’s been a good weekend, but I was thinking about a quote I read earlier. “You ...

Friendships are difficult for me. I'm very good at putting on a happy face and I am truly interested in getting to know people. The problem is once those initial meetings are through, my social anxiety kicks in and I struggle to reach out. I doubt people who know me casually are even aware how crippling my social anxiety gets. I am lucky to have people in my life who have known me for many years, but that adds its own layer of issues. My memory is bad, like ridiculously bad. I struggle to remember things I have done with my friends. Inside jokes we may have shared years ago mean absolutely nothing to me now. I freeze, then try to play along while I desperately search the recesses of my mind for the reference. And I know I should just tell them and sometimes I do, but it is so embarrassing. I'm not an easy person to maintain friendship with. I spend enough time on self care that I don't really have time for anything else. I lock myself away and forget to reach outside of m...

I am sure I have ranted about this in the past, but people who do not use punctuation DRIVE ME CRAZY. I'm not even asking for semi-colons or commas. Periods would be a great start! I am part of couponing groups on Facebook (that's for another post) and just tried to read a lady's post. I honestly have no clue what she was trying to say. After trying to read through a second time, I just gave up. I get that I may use more complete sentences and less abbreviations than your average person, but simple capitalization and sentences ending punctuation cannot be too much to ask for, right? /rant

I love dandelions. I remember blowing on their seeds and making a wish as a kid. As an adult, they are a touch of sunshine in a ridiculously difficult day. I know they and other "weeds" (as opposed to the flowers we so carefully cultivate) annoy some people and destroy their perfect American Dream lawns, but for me they mean summer. They make me smile. I love seeing our lawn and the park behind our house full of them. The bees are happily buzzing about getting their fill of the early pollen, the birds watching the bees, the squirrels and rabbits running around. Eight months out of twelve, they are a reminder of life and for the other four, I keep one as the wallpaper on my phone. My favorite is one of a slightly closed bloom, sheltered in fallen autumn leaves from the slight covering of snow. If the dandelion can still show its face to the sun, can't i? I also love violets, another "weed." They also remind me of childhood, but specifically of my mom and he...

I have a headache. It's a lot better than when I woke up this morning, but it's still there. Lingering in the edges of my mind there is a bit of an ache, a bit of nausea when I close my eyes. Pain is a funny thing. Each time I go to my pain management doctor, they prompt me with descriptive terms for my pain. This headache is slight, but achy and definitely sick. My hip is raw and deep, both words I came up with, not prompted. The description makes sense now that I know I have a tear inside of my hip. It also explains why that pain is constant. I can move when it gets stiff or heat it so I'm a bit more comfortable, but it's always there. My abdomen is sometimes sharp, sometimes achy, sometimes both. It's better than it was before the medication and the trigger point injections, but it's still there. My bladder is more of a burning ache. It can be sharp and sudden. It's always something different. Pain affects more than just the part of the body it is ...

I take pain medication. I have been taking prescription pain medication for probably two years. For most of that time, I was taking the medication maybe once or twice a week, as needed for pain in my hip. Usually I would take it when I got home from work, but mostly I tried to deal with the pain by changing my activities and spending a lot of time laying on my good friend, the heating pad. I still spend a lot of quality time with my heating pads, three heating pads. At times I use all three to cover all the areas of my body that ache. About 6 months ago, I had a bit of a cold. On Sunday, October 18th, I noticed that my sternum, just the right side, hurt. I thought I had pulled a muscle sneezing or coughing or something. That Monday I still had sinus drainage and my sternum hurt though the pain was starting to expand a little farther under my chest, so I called off work. Tuesday, I got up, got ready, and went to work. By 11, I knew I was in trouble. I was having extreme pain basically e...

"There are two kinds of people in the world..." It's a phrase you often hear repeated followed by a silly joke or an offensive division, or perhaps something in between. But, I am beginning to learn there are not two types of people or four or six in the world. There are as many kinds of people in the world as there are people in the world.  That sounds lonely and it can be. But there are things you and I share in common that draw us together. Whether it is the love of a place or television show, or perhaps a craft or professional experience, we are brought into community by the ties between us, the ties that bind us. It is important to remember that even those bound together through their own free will are still distinctive types. That does not go away, but sometimes we forget to treasure the things that make us unique in a world that strives toward a mediocrity of sameness. I am unique. No one is, was, or will ever be just like me in every way. No one else can pl...