Lessons from Lauraland

So what happens now? I feel this song so deeply at times. Not about my love life, which has been happily consistent for half of my life, but about my health. Since I woke up one day in January 2011 in horrific pain, I have had periods where I felt better, but overall, I have felt awful. Now it is excruciating pain in the upper right quadrant of my abdomen. It's been going on since October 18th, 2015. That feels like forever ago, which I suppose is fair since it has been over 15 weeks with little relief. They have no idea what is wrong with me and I am beginning to wonder if they ever will. I'm so tired of feeling this way. It feels like it is never going to end. WBH keeps talking about things getting better once I am better and can go back to work. What happens if I can't? At this point I have been laying flat 20-22 hours every day for weeks and am only to the point that most days don't have me crying. It's so difficult to put into words what this feels like. Xand...

I have spent most of the day trying to not cry and/or sleeping, which helps me avoid crying completely. Most days I am happy or at the very least fine, but then a day comes around that is supposed to be a celebration and all I can think about are those who aren't here with me. I miss my Mom. She got this. She understood so little about me, my life, my choices, but she understood the depression that creeps up and strikes you down when you least expect it. She understood the helplessness and her understanding gave me the strength to fight that feeling. It's a physical pain that is completely overwhelming when it hits and is only put aside after exhausting work that leaves me feeling as wrung out as the depression itself. I miss my Grandpa. I miss hearing him say, "I love you sis" and the way he smiled and laughed. He was one of the best men I ever knew. I was so glad he and WBH of along so well. It was even more confirmation that WBH was the right one for me. I miss...

There is something so comforting about an old pair of good tennis shoes. I love that they have formed perfectly to my foot and though their best days are definitely in the past, they are still so comfortable and just feel right. I found these guys in a bag upstairs tonight. I thought they were gone for good and was so excited to see them; it was like they were an old friend and I suppose in a way they are. These tennies have seen me through some long walks to class at OSU, vacations with my now hubby, and some less fun occasions as well. I love them and was super excited to wear them for our excursion with Xman tonight. I am nearly completely sure I am starting back to school in the fall. While it might be time to send this pair into the mowing and messy project bin, I think I'll be looking for another pair just like them soon!

It's interesting how so much I would have had to say seems unimportant now that no voice and must type or write out everything I wish to say. I've had this cold for a week but only started the Little Mermaid act yesterday. Today I have absolutely no voice.  I went to urgent care this morning and was given antibiotic and then told it was just a bad sinus infection. Adam and I went to dinner. Because we could not talk, we ended up listening to the most shallow conversation at the table next to ours. It was nice to realize I would much rather have silence with him than conversation with others!

So I got a smart phone. I realize I very regularly have internet access and this is very likely a waste of money but I do feel safer/better/more in control or something like that. I had a melt down a few weeks ago. It was not pretty. I am under a lot of stress right now and a lot of it is because so much is completely out of my hands right now. It's up to one of my advisors to see which classes I need to take and to decide if I can/should take one he is teaching this fall. It is up to another advisor to complete my financial aid appeal which will basically tell me whether I can go back to school at all. Work is really just about finding a balance between working full time and my volunteer work and my home life. I haven't even thought about friends yet. That seems completely beyond me right now. I know this is why I had shingles a few weeks ago. I am on the mend with them, but I am also having other symptoms of breakthrough stress. I can get through this. I know I can. I jus...

It seems like much more than a month since I posted! So here is a  quick break down... I am still no pooing. I think I have washed my hair three times since my last post. I still don't quite have it down to a science, but the fact that I have only washed my hair three times in 3 weeks is worth it to me. I have tried to wait a day after it feels greasy to wash. This last wash, my scalp feels clean, the length feels nice and moisturized, the ends have needed a little coconut oil, but they are good. The problem is that the first couple of inches past my roots feel greasy. I'm not sure what I did differently, but I am going to keep brushing with my boar bristle brush to distribute the grease. It's a work in progress, but so far I am pretty happy with it! WBH's sister, brother-in-law, their eight - Yes, EIGHT - kids, and the in-laws all came to our house the Saturday after Christmas and we all survived. It was a lot of fun having the house full of laughter. I was a bi...

Well, I finally washed my hair. I decided it would be better to have a wet head tonight than in the morning going to church. I am still worried about using baking soda because my scalp can get really dry this time of year. I did some more reading and decided to try a super diluted solution of castille soap and water. I put it in a bottle and poured that basically all over my scalp. then I rubbed and rubbed my scalp. It felt awesome to wash out some of the oil and grossness. I followed that with my usual ACV mixture. It's odd because my scalp and roots feel very clean, while the rest of my hair feels moisturized but I am concerned about it looking oily.  Sigh... I guess I will see what it looks like in the morning! :)