Showing posts from May, 2011

What a pain in the...

My grandfather used to say this all the time, trailing off as he realized I was listening. As kids do, I would repeat it often - practicing to be an adult I suppose - filling in the ending with whatever was around. Today it would be accurate to say, pain in the neck, back and hips. Not fun.

I went to see the second love of my life, Dr. Jicha, on Wednesday and he rearranged me. It was amazing, but it had been much too long since I had seen him so I am due back Tuesday. In the mean time I am sore. So annoying. I knew I should have gone in sooner, but depression is a sucker and it even made that seem like too much.

We are at about a full week of the new medication levels. This has been nothing like the first time I weaned off Effexor. I am hopeful this will lead to bigger and better things. I am however still sleeping 12 hours a night. Part of me thinks I need to go to sleep at 8 at night just so I can get up in the morning. I am wondering if this is going to change anytime soon.

Adam an…


I'm at war with the world And they try to pull me into the dark I struggle to find my faith As I'm slipping from your arms
It's getting harder to stay awake  And my strength is fading fast You breathe into me at last
I'm at war with the world 'Cause I ain't never gonna sell my soul I've already made up my mind No matter what, I can't be bought or sold
When my faith is getting weak And I feel like giving in You breathe into me again
~~excerpts from Awake And Alive by Skillet~~

For the second night in a row, I find myself up late for no good reason. I am in bed watching Cagney and Lacey episodes and listening to my puppy snore. It's been a long, tiring day, though I didn't do much.
We had counselor training this weekend in Bowling Green. It was nice to see the counseling crowd. It's funny; we spend one week a year together and yet they are some of my favorite people in the world, closer and more precious to me that most of my family. People have come and gone…

Change of Seasons

Regardless of what the calender says, it is suddenly summer and I decided it was time for a change in design here. I am hopeful that something will also change in my mental state. It has been a long few months of working on myself and I feel like I am only getting worse, not better. It is like I have so much to work on, the more we dig the more we find. I just don't know where and if it will end. And I wonder why my anxiety levels are so high.

I just keep wondering if it is all worth it. I have been functioning this way for at least 18 years, probably closer to 25. I started this out because I wanted to be better, whole, but I just feel more and fragmented each day.

I went to work Tuesday and had a full day, from letter writing to hospital visits and a board meeting. All that went well, but yesterday when I got up (at 9 when Adam left for the day) it was all I could do to sit still. I just wanted to curl up in a hole and go to sleep (what Judy calls the "sweet release").…

Hope; It is Rising.

Have you ever looked back at something you have created in the past and been unable to believe it was really you who did it? It has been longer than I care to say since I have added anything to my fanfiction account (and longer still since I have written), but I still receive the occasional review and favorite story/author notification. I usually read the story that has been reviewed, which leads to rereading my work.

On days like today, when I feel my creative well has gone dry and even the mud at the bottom has cracked, it is humbling and challenging to realize that I once really enjoyed and was inspired by writing. Even when using a universe created by another, being able to fill in the blanks with my own ideas was such a release. I wonder where that has gone.

I worry about myself some days. Actually, I worry about myself a lot of days, which is why I am on medication, see a therapist biweekly, a medical doctor monthly, and am scheduling a consult with a psychiatrist. But what I am…