What a pain in the...
My grandfather used to say this all the time, trailing off as he realized I was listening. As kids do, I would repeat it often - practicing to be an adult I suppose - filling in the ending with whatever was around. Today it would be accurate to say, pain in the neck, back and hips. Not fun.
I went to see the second love of my life, Dr. Jicha, on Wednesday and he rearranged me. It was amazing, but it had been much too long since I had seen him so I am due back Tuesday. In the mean time I am sore. So annoying. I knew I should have gone in sooner, but depression is a sucker and it even made that seem like too much.
We are at about a full week of the new medication levels. This has been nothing like the first time I weaned off Effexor. I am hopeful this will lead to bigger and better things. I am however still sleeping 12 hours a night. Part of me thinks I need to go to sleep at 8 at night just so I can get up in the morning. I am wondering if this is going to change anytime soon.
Adam and I have spent the evening watching Dual Survival. Have you ever seen this show? One guy is from Southeastern Ohio, former military sniper with lots of experience. The other is a naturalist who lives in a completely green home in Arizona where he teaches. He's been going barefoot for 20 years as part of trying to live as indigenous peoples did. Each episode begins with a hypothetical situation that could happen, such as a biologist studying in Panama whose equipment stopped working or two ranch hands in Montana who accidentally burn down their shack in the middle of the winter. Then Dave and Cody try to find their way out of the situation with what little tools the hypothetical person would have had on them and the vast amount of knowledge they share. The show is upfront that some of the situations are staged to demonstrate techniques and that they will intervene for health and safety reasons, but you can tell these guys are the real deal just by watching them.
I was sitting here tonight with my Iced Animal Crackers, Crisp Woodchuck Cider, heating pad, and snoring husband and puppy (they are laid out on the floor together), watching these two guys climb down a 90 degree cliff covered in tree roots with only an improvised rope of braided vines for safety. Now obviously my life is not as dangerous at the moment as theirs, but it got me to thinking about my safety nets.
You see, I'm not living to the fullest of my ability. My depression and anxiety are a large part of it, but some part of me is afraid to try for fear of exasperating my depression and anxiety. I want to be doing more, but I'm not always sure how. I want to be doing more for my kids, creatively and personally. I want to be doing more for myself as well. I want to do more with the gifts I have. God has given me a lot, but I don't always use them well all the time.
I think that may be my next step of my recovery. Using my gifts. One of the first things I learned about spiritual gifts is they are to be used for the glorification of God and the edification of others. I spend so much time on the edification of others, "people pleasing" as I call it, but it is important for me to focus on me as well. It is probably going to make me a pain in my own side, but I'll have to get used to it. :)
I went to see the second love of my life, Dr. Jicha, on Wednesday and he rearranged me. It was amazing, but it had been much too long since I had seen him so I am due back Tuesday. In the mean time I am sore. So annoying. I knew I should have gone in sooner, but depression is a sucker and it even made that seem like too much.
We are at about a full week of the new medication levels. This has been nothing like the first time I weaned off Effexor. I am hopeful this will lead to bigger and better things. I am however still sleeping 12 hours a night. Part of me thinks I need to go to sleep at 8 at night just so I can get up in the morning. I am wondering if this is going to change anytime soon.
Adam and I have spent the evening watching Dual Survival. Have you ever seen this show? One guy is from Southeastern Ohio, former military sniper with lots of experience. The other is a naturalist who lives in a completely green home in Arizona where he teaches. He's been going barefoot for 20 years as part of trying to live as indigenous peoples did. Each episode begins with a hypothetical situation that could happen, such as a biologist studying in Panama whose equipment stopped working or two ranch hands in Montana who accidentally burn down their shack in the middle of the winter. Then Dave and Cody try to find their way out of the situation with what little tools the hypothetical person would have had on them and the vast amount of knowledge they share. The show is upfront that some of the situations are staged to demonstrate techniques and that they will intervene for health and safety reasons, but you can tell these guys are the real deal just by watching them.
I was sitting here tonight with my Iced Animal Crackers, Crisp Woodchuck Cider, heating pad, and snoring husband and puppy (they are laid out on the floor together), watching these two guys climb down a 90 degree cliff covered in tree roots with only an improvised rope of braided vines for safety. Now obviously my life is not as dangerous at the moment as theirs, but it got me to thinking about my safety nets.
You see, I'm not living to the fullest of my ability. My depression and anxiety are a large part of it, but some part of me is afraid to try for fear of exasperating my depression and anxiety. I want to be doing more, but I'm not always sure how. I want to be doing more for my kids, creatively and personally. I want to be doing more for myself as well. I want to do more with the gifts I have. God has given me a lot, but I don't always use them well all the time.
I think that may be my next step of my recovery. Using my gifts. One of the first things I learned about spiritual gifts is they are to be used for the glorification of God and the edification of others. I spend so much time on the edification of others, "people pleasing" as I call it, but it is important for me to focus on me as well. It is probably going to make me a pain in my own side, but I'll have to get used to it. :)
Like you i am not living my life to the fullest at the moment. While i got one of my biggest wishes fullfilled, i still don't know how to make the other things i want happen.
ReplyDeleteWhen you find out how to crack the code, will you share it with me?
So much I want to say to you...the main thing is that I've been where you are in so many ways. I have no magic answers, but you don't need those anyway. You know where to find me if you ever need another listening ear.
ReplyDeleteMeanwhile I sense some hopefulness in your post here, some healing. Continue to be kind to yourself, taking care of your needs. You are in my thoughts and prayers, and I'm sending you lots of love.
Pretty sure blogger lost my post yesterday. What it said was:
ReplyDeleteI love this post! I've been feeling very stagnant in my life lately, and I think I need to read and reread this post a lot to remind me to keep trying to do things and not just resign myself to boredom.
What about doing this together? I think it would be easier to keep motivated if someone else was doing it too. We could update each other once every week or two (I'm thinking snail mail, since we have an abundance of stamps and I've been trying to write by hand more lately).
I definitely want to work more on my writing. I think about doing lots of things but I end never doing anything, and I'd like to change that :)