Change of Seasons

Regardless of what the calender says, it is suddenly summer and I decided it was time for a change in design here. I am hopeful that something will also change in my mental state. It has been a long few months of working on myself and I feel like I am only getting worse, not better. It is like I have so much to work on, the more we dig the more we find. I just don't know where and if it will end. And I wonder why my anxiety levels are so high.

I just keep wondering if it is all worth it. I have been functioning this way for at least 18 years, probably closer to 25. I started this out because I wanted to be better, whole, but I just feel more and fragmented each day.

I went to work Tuesday and had a full day, from letter writing to hospital visits and a board meeting. All that went well, but yesterday when I got up (at 9 when Adam left for the day) it was all I could do to sit still. I just wanted to curl up in a hole and go to sleep (what Judy calls the "sweet release"). I waited until nearly lunch time before I gave in and took a xanax, knowing it would probably knock me out, but also knowing I was not going to be able to relax without. I had tried everything else. I slept for a few hours and then woke up, feeling guilty that I had not gone to work, that I wasn't functioning.

Today I didn't wake up until nearly lunch time. The idea of taking a shower and getting dressed just seems impossible. I ate and fed Xander. He has been out. The small things are getting done. It is just all I can do to do them. I have choir tonight. I want to go to Church before hand. I just don't know if I can.

It seems journaling helps to get these things out. I am doing this and blogging to keep me together, for what it is worth. I just worry that is won't be enough.

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