Hope; It is Rising.

Have you ever looked back at something you have created in the past and been unable to believe it was really you who did it? It has been longer than I care to say since I have added anything to my fanfiction account (and longer still since I have written), but I still receive the occasional review and favorite story/author notification. I usually read the story that has been reviewed, which leads to rereading my work.

On days like today, when I feel my creative well has gone dry and even the mud at the bottom has cracked, it is humbling and challenging to realize that I once really enjoyed and was inspired by writing. Even when using a universe created by another, being able to fill in the blanks with my own ideas was such a release. I wonder where that has gone.

I worry about myself some days. Actually, I worry about myself a lot of days, which is why I am on medication, see a therapist biweekly, a medical doctor monthly, and am scheduling a consult with a psychiatrist. But what I am realizing is I am wasting time worrying when I could be spending time patting myself on my back for seeking help.

I want to be better. I want to be myself. I don't want to be a weak, emotional mess who cannot get out of bed half the time and even then does so little it seems a wasted effort. This is not who I choose to be and I do not believe this is who God made me to be.

The hubby went with me to my therapy appointment yesterday and together the three of us developed a new plan. I am hopeful it will help and that is what I need right now. Hope.


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