Don't Underestimate the Things that I Will Do.

I keep trying to write a new post here, but then I get all caught up in what I want it to look like and be like and I lose my nerve. So I am going to just keep writing and hit publish at the end and send it out into the world, for what it is worth.

I have to restart somewhere, right?

Like most of America at this point I think, I love Adele. I loved her even before Chasing Pavements became so huge here. I just love that you can feel her power as she  sings. It comes from such a true place inside of her. So much beauty.

I was talking to one of my favorite Yutes last night and he was asking me about fanfiction. he didn't understand why people write it. It took me a couple beats to come up with an answer. I can't answer for all of the fanfic world, but I think I write it because I feel inclined to write and it is easier to write within a universe that has already been created for an audience that already knows the characters/situations well. He then asked why I don't write my own things. I had to admit to him that it scares me. Not sure what answer he was expecting, but it is the truth.

I get scared by the world and the things I want so often. I think that is really the root of my anxiety. I have standards that I have created for myself and I am terrified to fail them. Fail myself? But it doesn't feel that way. It feels like by failing, I am failing others. Letting those I love and who love me down. That is just more than I can handle.

I want to write with the power and beauty that Adele sings with. I want what I write to come from the place of authenticity I hear in her tone.

So silly that I get myself all worked up, but it is true.

I sang a solo at church on Sunday. He Leadeth Me was the anthem and what I sang was mostly the chorus to the choir's verses. It is a beautiful piece and I was thrilled and terrified to sing.

I am not fishing for compliments here. I know I am moderately talented when it comes to the fine arts. Thanks to an awesome grade school experience, I can read music, plie, throw paint on a canvas, and act a bit. I guess I just want to feel like I have done something with that knowledge, but I am afraid to start. In fact I am afraid to even think about where to start.

But there is something inside of me that makes me want to try. That makes me think that if I could only put it all out there, I would finally feel better. Finally love myself. Finally make who? my dad? my family? strangers? I don't know, but make someone proud.

Late night ramblings are proudly not the best for a rebound post, but there you go.

Comments

  1. kouw (daphne)February 15, 2012 at 3:39 AM

    I think that is why NaNoWriMo is so big: it doesn't give you time to ponder what you are writing. Also, when you have a true story to tell, something you want to share with the world, it makes the writing much easier. i have no story, so i have stopped writing to give preference to crafting and baking. I don't look for perfection in those things.

    I am glad you are writing your blog, i have missed it al lot.

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  2. MyDuckyLifeFebruary 15, 2012 at 8:34 AM

    I completely understand what you're feeling! I struggle often with wondering if I'm not in a music career out of spite or if I'm not in it because that's not where I belong. To help with some of this, I recently purchased an inexpensive keyboard to see if I'm even still worth a darn. I found some things that I could play from my last lessons as a 6th grader, and surprisingly I can still play a lot of them pretty well. Probably just my memory kicking in since my bass clef skills have tanked to an entirely new level of "pitiful" but it's been a huge confidence boost to know I remember something.

    I expect a lot of myself in everything I do. I think any wrong notes should require me to be burned at the stake. It sounds ridiculous, but to me music has to be perfect or it's not worth performing (Thanks Solo & Ensemble!). Sadly, when I listen to a live performance I listen for anything even slightly wrong and then when I find it, almost think "HA! You're not perfect!" Horrible to say, but very hard to control. :-/

    I don't plan to ever write any music of my own - That is terrifying. Opening myself up for someone else to judge me as harshly as I have anyone else...? No thank you! I'll stick to what's on the page and muddle my way through in the comfort of my own office.

    It comes down to this: I know my talents. I know my abilities within them, and that is just fine with me if nobody else ever knows. Think about it - You have never heard me sing. That's not a question - I know you haven't. I don't do it in front of anyone, though I could probably get decent applause at a karaoke night. I sing at home in the shower, in the car, while cleaning, whenever I want to where nobody can hear me. I didn't join high school choir on purpose because I was terrified of fainting during auditions.

    Occasionally, if I'm in the right mood I will share my talents with a close friend and dazzle them for a moment with something they're not expecting. Those moments are few and far between but is always received well and a huge confidence boost. The first example of this was a few years ago when some friends were playing Rock Band. The person who was singing kept messing up a song that I knew pretty well, and gave up. I grabbed the mic, and kicked butt. Surprised everyone, and was actually pretty fun. Knowing that, I'm not pushing my luck and letting in too many critics by seeking a larger audience.

    You are normal. We are all seeking approval from someone for something, we just get there in different ways. To be honest I think those who can get up on stage and share their talents are extremely brave. That's just not for me. I'd rather run the lights than star in the show. :-)

    ReplyDelete

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