Thank you for being a friend...

Friendships are difficult for me. I'm very good at putting on a happy face and I am truly interested in getting to know people. The problem is once those initial meetings are through, my social anxiety kicks in and I struggle to reach out. I doubt people who know me casually are even aware how crippling my social anxiety gets.

I am lucky to have people in my life who have known me for many years, but that adds its own layer of issues. My memory is bad, like ridiculously bad. I struggle to remember things I have done with my friends. Inside jokes we may have shared years ago mean absolutely nothing to me now. I freeze, then try to play along while I desperately search the recesses of my mind for the reference. And I know I should just tell them and sometimes I do, but it is so embarrassing.

I'm not an easy person to maintain friendship with. I spend enough time on self care that I don't really have time for anything else. I lock myself away and forget to reach outside of my little box to check in with others. It's not an easy thing to admit. It's not an easy thing to live with. It's not easy.

So I am forcing myself. After my doctor appointments next week, I am planning to meet with a few friends for dinner. Pre-birthday and pre-surgery toast to life, I suppose. I'm already nervous about it, but I just keep reminding myself that these are people who know and love me. It's going to be okay.

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