Sometimes

One thing about depression and anxiety that so many people just do not get is this: Sometimes there is something that makes me anxious or depressed, but more often than not, there isn't. Life doesn't have to be striking me down with all it's might for me to want to hide under the covers and never come out. I don't have to be wondering if God is smiting me for me to remember everything I've ever done or said that I regret, and believe me that list is long and the guilt hits as hard as it did in the moment. The world doesn't have to seem on the verge of falling apart or falling into World War III for me to feel it falling into me, crushing me until I can barely breathe. I don't have to watch a sad movie in order to cry my eyes out in the shower.

I handed in my keys and badge last week. It has been nearly ten months since I first developed upper right quadrant pain and swelling and I haven't worked more than a few hours in all of 2016. All in all, HR was very kind to me and I know my boss, former boss, regretted having to complete my termination paperwork nearly as much as I regret she had to do it. Existing on half our income hasn't been a walk in the park either.

I'm hurting. I hurt every day to one extent or another. I ration what pain medication I have because it's hard to come by in this age of the War on Opioids, but even when taken, it only takes the edge off. WBH told me today that he heard an interview on NPR about alternatives to opioid medications. Someone referred to the effects of taking tramadol as putting on earmuffs on. That is pretty much my experience with medications. It's so frustrating to be stigmatized about something that's barely bringing relief as it is.

I had physical therapy today for myofascial pain release and basically we've decided that while I'm getting some short-term relief which is progress, I haven't necessarily progressed. So I have two more sessions planned in the next two weeks. Then I have an intercostal nerve block injection scheduled for two days after I finish blood thinners. That's the next stab in the dark at this unknown pain. I'd like to say I'm hopeful, but as I've discovered I'm now having pain on both the right and the left, though the swelling is mainly on the right, and I believe the injection is only for the right side, I'm honestly not sure. And my physician's assistant didn't seem very sure about this course of treatment either.

So sometimes everything does seem out of control and sometimes I do watch a sad episode of West Wing that I should have avoided despite the C.J./Danny flirtation.

And sometimes I do really just need to cry with my pup curled up at my feet.

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