In the Midst of the Mist
I can feel the funk descending.
The best way I can describe it is like a bowl of ice cream that gets covered in thick, hot chocolate fudge; it moves fast at first, covering the ice cream, but the longer it is there, the slower it moves and the harder, thicker it gets. Only it is not a delicious bowl of vanilla ice cream and hot fudge; it's my brain covered in sludge.
I did set myself up a bit. I didn't eat lunch today. I was supposed to go home early, so I thought I would skip lunch and just have it when I got home, not thinking I would work until 3:45. I haven't exercised at all this week, even though I have been feeling good and knew I was up to it. And randomly I only took one pill instead of two as prescribed. So it was a bit of a perfect storm. I was hungry. We had to do some shopping for dinner. I have been tired all week.
But it was recoverable until I saw my grandfather's nurse. She was one of many that took care of him and take care of my grandmother still, but she is the one they called when we knew he was gone. She is the one who checked for his blood pressure in all his limbs. She's the one that listened to make sure his heart, so large and so loving to so many, had finally come to a rest.
She's a sweet woman who really cares for her patients and is good at her job. I really appreciate all she does and did. But seeing her today, out of the blue, in Meijer's aisle, sent me down a rabbit hole I was not ready for.
I almost broke down in the middle of Meijer and in some respects that may have been better. I may have felt cleansed from those tears instead of swimming in the sludge of my depression.
Tomorrow will be better. I have tomorrow off so I will go to bed early and get up a little later. I'm journalling. I'm talking. I'm sharing. I'll cuddle my puppy. I'll be easy with myself tonight and make sure to exercise tomorrow. I will get through, but it is so hard to be in the midst of it.
The best way I can describe it is like a bowl of ice cream that gets covered in thick, hot chocolate fudge; it moves fast at first, covering the ice cream, but the longer it is there, the slower it moves and the harder, thicker it gets. Only it is not a delicious bowl of vanilla ice cream and hot fudge; it's my brain covered in sludge.
I did set myself up a bit. I didn't eat lunch today. I was supposed to go home early, so I thought I would skip lunch and just have it when I got home, not thinking I would work until 3:45. I haven't exercised at all this week, even though I have been feeling good and knew I was up to it. And randomly I only took one pill instead of two as prescribed. So it was a bit of a perfect storm. I was hungry. We had to do some shopping for dinner. I have been tired all week.
But it was recoverable until I saw my grandfather's nurse. She was one of many that took care of him and take care of my grandmother still, but she is the one they called when we knew he was gone. She is the one who checked for his blood pressure in all his limbs. She's the one that listened to make sure his heart, so large and so loving to so many, had finally come to a rest.
She's a sweet woman who really cares for her patients and is good at her job. I really appreciate all she does and did. But seeing her today, out of the blue, in Meijer's aisle, sent me down a rabbit hole I was not ready for.
I almost broke down in the middle of Meijer and in some respects that may have been better. I may have felt cleansed from those tears instead of swimming in the sludge of my depression.
Tomorrow will be better. I have tomorrow off so I will go to bed early and get up a little later. I'm journalling. I'm talking. I'm sharing. I'll cuddle my puppy. I'll be easy with myself tonight and make sure to exercise tomorrow. I will get through, but it is so hard to be in the midst of it.
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