Happy birthday...right...

I have spent most of the day trying to not cry and/or sleeping, which helps me avoid crying completely. Most days I am happy or at the very least fine, but then a day comes around that is supposed to be a celebration and all I can think about are those who aren't here with me.

I miss my Mom. She got this. She understood so little about me, my life, my choices, but she understood the depression that creeps up and strikes you down when you least expect it. She understood the helplessness and her understanding gave me the strength to fight that feeling. It's a physical pain that is completely overwhelming when it hits and is only put aside after exhausting work that leaves me feeling as wrung out as the depression itself.

I miss my Grandpa. I miss hearing him say, "I love you sis" and the way he smiled and laughed. He was one of the best men I ever knew. I was so glad he and WBH of along so well. It was even more confirmation that WBH was the right one for me.

I miss my dad. It seems impossible that in just over 4 years, I'll be as old as he was when he died. I wonder how long he suffered before deciding he could take it no longer. I wonder if he realized what an affect his decision would have on my life and the lives of others that loved and depended on him.

This won't last. Tomorrow will be different. Tomorrow I'll go back to my positive outlook. Even if it isn't tomorrow, it won't be long. But today? Today I am "close to the waters," as a friend once put it, and I think I'll go back to bed.

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