Depression.

Depression is a funny thing. Sometimes, even when you are doing everything right, it still comes along and grinds you down to dust. I have been sitting outside in the sun, bundled up against the cold. I've been sitting under the skylights or my daylight lamp when the cold makes me bones ache too much. I've been doing deep breathing and meditation. I've been open with friends and family about how I'm feeling. I've been taking my medication. And yet, I'm really feeling depression's grip today.

It would be one thing if it were an icy grip, but depression's biggest lie to me right now is that it's as warm and comfortable as my great-grandmother's heavy quilt. It would be so easy to wrap it around myself as I lay on the couch, podcasts playing because I'm having trouble focusing on written word, heating pad on because physical therapy is making me ache even more than the cold.

I received a letter from Social Security saying that my disability claim had been denied. I expected it even from the time I applied; the rules are so black and white through the first round that most people don't make it through. I have paperwork from an attorney to fill out so we can begin the appeal process, but at the same time, I needed a couple days to come to terms with things so I can move forward. It's frustrating to need that time even though I knew it was coming.

I was so angry a few months back when someone made a comment about all the people in line ahead of them at our local Social Security Administration office. That they were probably all there to apply for disability, implying that it was 1) obviously fraudulent activity and 2) very easy to get. That is such a joke. I have not been able to work full time since October 2015. I haven't been able to work at all for over a year. But I supposedly can find work that is just less difficult than before. Right. Do you know of any jobs where I can lay down throughout without having to move or get up? I cannot even do phone customer service because of the setup required.

It has been such a long week and I have a feeling it is not going to get better.

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